::zbaf in words::
ever the optimist with a penchant for pessimism
zbaf12@gmail.com::fabiantanzy@hotmail.com
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Thursday, July 21, 2005

disturbed

why do i bother what people think of me?
why do i even go around asking people how they are
when they dont give a damn?
why the hell do i get disturbed by what my friends say?
if they fucking hell are friends in the first place.
come to think of it, why do i fucking care?
i want my siglap friends.
i want stef min and cam.
i hate my life.
this sucks. everything sucks.
my results are pathetic
and it isnt helping that im falling behind my peers again
ive seen my ct.
goodbye chem, im probably dropping yu
to become some weird combi freak
bio.lit.math
who the fucking hell takes that?
losing hope.
losing my faith in the people around me in mj.
so much for friendship
i wanna run away from it all
im not ok.
nothing's ok.
keep up with my facade
i think im a pretty decent actor come to think of it
hahaha..
yes people, hahaha.
all yu damned shitheads can go fuck yur freaking god that probably doesnt exist[the bunch of yu]
thanks to those who truly cared[whether or not i know it]
especially my siglap pals and a named few from mbs
plus those in mjcsb - six of yu[pathetic number after 6mths odd],
but thanks anyway.really REALLY appreciate it.
then again im not a good judge of character,
so i may be wrong about yu huh.
eat my shit.
[ this sure is angsty,quite a shocking entry after i finished typing,but i had to let it out.]
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12:03 PM | 0 Comment

Saturday, July 16, 2005

tribute..the siglapians

this is a small tribute to the friends and people i have in my life.thank yu for being a part of me.i love yu all!!!!

SIGLAPIANS.


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ema dearie and me in charles' room.[i painted his room btw,nice retro huh]. ema,i love yu more than any of those guys in yur life,haha.yu're my bitch always n thanks for moulding me into the person i am today. kisses

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cheryl.peishi and i[in charles' room again] yu guys are the closest i had in 4G so thank yu for all the most precious memories and teaching me the meaning of friendship,including many late night suppers n drinking sessions.keong, this is what yu get for playing mahjong.yu shud be in this photo!!love yu three.

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the funnest memories ever.the wacky,deranged yet most beautiful souls i've ever met.shah,charles,chin;siti,adibah,adrena,dan,jiaxin[left-right-left]. step model shots at esplanade! seeing this photo makes me smile like an idiot!!

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the best friend i ever had in siglap.my pillar of strength,my source of motivation,my confidante and definitely life partner as a friend.yu'll always have me and i yu yeah.we've share a friendship many can only dream of and i really am thankful for it. yur presence in my life mean the world to me and i love yu SOOOmuch!! kisses.

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the troops at e airport sending ms wee off.i love my siglapians.people see us as a mattified and minah-fied malay colony of hopeless junk.i see yu guys thru sugar coated eyes,as the sweetest people i've ever met in my 17 years. yu guys are emblazoned in my heart permanently.

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suzie,rahman,elfi liya n i at sentosa.to suzie n liya,shopping was always fun w two madwomen,but yu guys are more than that to me. both of yu are the ultimate sluts +me! -bitching and camera whoring! besides, the friendship we've made in siglap is defintiely the beginning of a very beautiful journey for us. mann and elfi, thanks for all the guy bonding esp mann-yu are defintely a great friend!elfi,i miss yur perky ass!

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jooting and i.yu've given me more memories than my computer can store man.we've been thru alot, and our friendship will definitely grow and deepen as time passes.i miss yur crapping and yur laughter man[the female version of mine-that hysterical LOUD laughter..]take care and see yu soon!

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claire!!!! saxtion mates for 4 years,out of which we were besties for 4years eh.not bad.our friendship has had its fair share of ups and downs,but it only emerged from every dispute stronger and carries with it more meaning than many other friendships we have.im glad i met yu and i will not let yu escape from me!!love yu always!!

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gay brother!!hehe...yu've taught me alot and helped me improve my flaws.yu defintely are one of the closest to my heart and i cherish this friendship so much.always dependable and cheeky eh[slightly horny too]..shall go chiong one day k? love ya willie!

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me+ervia+silvia.silvia ilove yu like shit!come back from sydney soon so i can hug yu and we can all hang out again!miss yu truckloads!

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to julie,the one person i loved so dearly for the longest time.we may not be together anymore,but the memories of the bliss and journey of our gorgeous relationship will stay always.i've learnt so much from us and looking back,i can only smile and say that i've loved yu,and will continue loving yu,to keep yu in my heart locked away in one corner.thanks for the best experience hunn.kisses

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mdm su, my mother,my friend, my teacher.she made studying so much more meaningful when i was at my lowest, she pushed me on when i was at my peak,and thru out the two years as form teacher she has given endless love and support.THANK YU MDM SU!!!!!




and of course those who i also miss dearly but do not have a photo of us togther..
beatrice,nurul,mdm gill,mrs rajan,liying and all the otheres i didnt mention...the siglapian days were the bestest bestest of my life and i'll never forget them- good or bad. cheerios!

1:26 AM | 0 Comment

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

im defintely feeling much better as compared to the last entry already.perhaps there are more people around me who care than i expected, although i realise that the concern is usually prompted by a dismal countenance on my part, and not exactly genuine concern on their part. but nevertheless i thank everyone for their concern. ((: made my day, defintiely.
all my life i've been trying to find comfort and strength from the friends that revolve around me. all the way from my primary school years in maha bodhi, in siglap and now, in mj. i've relied heavily on my friends, whom i treasure above anything else in my life, and am eternally grateful for all that yu've given me.
but as much as i cherish their existence and prescence in my life, though, i feel that whats really most important is myself. yes, we do need someone to look up to, someone to confide in and perhaps someone whose shoulder we can cry upon. Some turn to god and faith in a religion for strength, others, family for comfort and support. but ultimately, if we cant rely on ourselves and stand on our own two feet in times yu feel yu need someone the most, then perhaps we are too dependent on others.
i've ventured out from that ""i need someone no matter where i go"" phase and have learnt to appreciate the times i've spent alone with myself. There's nothing more important than standing on one's own feet and being self-reliant. To be able to find strength in himself and to pick himself up after a fall. That is, after all, how we learn, ain't it?
i believe the children are our future
teach them well and let them lead the way
show them all the beauty they possess inside
give them a sense of pride
to make it easier
let the children's laughter
remind us how we used to be
everybody's searching for a hero
people need someone to look up to
i never found anyone who fulfilled my needs
a lonely place to be
and so i learnt to depend on me
i decided long ago
never to walk in anyone's shadow
if i fail, if i succeed
at least i'll live if i belive
no matter what they take from me
they cant take away my dignity
because the greatest love of all
is happeneing to me
i found the greatest love of all
inside of me
the greatest love of all
is easy to achieve
learning to love yurself
it is the greatest love of all
and if i chance that special place
that yu've been dreaming of
(that) leads yu to a lonely place
find yur strength in love
-whitney houston>Greatest Love of All

4:34 PM | 0 Comment

Monday, July 11, 2005

damnation

major blow
The mid year results are out as of this week
and i dont have to be a genius to know that i've done very badly.
F for chem, 29%
F for math, 3.75%
D for bio, 52.4%
im guessing i got an E for lit,cuz thats what im scored for shakespeare paper. 46%
a B3 for GP n E8 for chinese.but these arent my Alevel subjects,so it doesnt really count, does it?
im not gonna bitch about how strict the marking scheme is or how much of a bitch adeline neo was during lecture, cuz seriously,
we all reap what we sow, dont we?
and after all, there no point crying over spilt milk.
but somehow i walk away from this experience feeling empty
yes, i've learnt
i know that i have to buck up and to really get down to business when it comes to studies
to not procrastinate nor stand around and whine about it like how i always do.
but i feel hollow,empty,meaningless
i think i lost my spark, my drive in life to be optimistic and pick myself up after every fall
i think i lost the way i used to see life, to enjoy it and look on the bright side despite all the downs and failures i suffer
i think i see no joy in doing what i used to enjoy doing.
everything becomes a monotony
everything becomes meaningless .
sigh
but im tryin.at least now im studying and doing my tutorials
although i feel like im being forced to.
im defintely not enjoying it,but do i have a choice?
i chose the Alevels path and damned science course myself,
and have no one else to blame for this state except myself huh.
k im not making sense
studying sucks
im starting to hate school
and everything around me
i hope its just a passing phase.
AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

7:38 PM | 1 Comment

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

felicity

i had an extremely fantastic time just now, although i was just hanging out at the airport and eating seafood at simei..haha. it was super. I FINALLY GOT TO SEE CHARLES AGAIN after so long!!! my god, when i got the msg from the cute but stupid adrena during gp lesson today, i nearly jumped outta my seat. i was, say, hysterical? haha. i was absolutely delighted and thrilled!! smiles...

CHARLES>> WE MISSED YU SOOO MUCH!!!!

the last time we saw him was at the airport when we sent him off to melbourne 4months ago. it sure was a disconsolate and joyless moment then, and everyone was saying goodbyes and trying to smile as we held the tears back.but when he was finally going to leave,i think everyone just couldnt control their tears.even charles(who wants to be the epitome of macho-ism), the CHARLES who never cried, teared as he was about to pass the departure gates. i remember all of us still standing there even after he had gone out of sight 5 minutes later, speechless as we suffered the final blow that reality threw in our face. the fact that charles had indeed left and that we wont see him again(at least not anytime soon), before degenerating into a pile of sobs and tears.. it sure was a sight to behold..a mass crying session. haha.even i needed a couple of kleenex.

on the contrary, today we were amazingly happy, especially after we found out that charles was coming back to our little island for a week or two. i mean, we were elated and so energized that we were like a couple of hyperactive kids who'd taken drugs prancing aroung the arrival hall. haha. yes, all five of us - adibah,siti, chinfu,adrena and i. its was really ecstacy.when we met we just hugged and were making so much noise we started to draw attention and weird glares from the other people at the airport.jumping and squealing like a bunch of baby chimpanzees in an urban zoo. but i mean we cant help it, can we.after all, we havent met for the longest time,let alone have a great friend come back to visit us.

so while we were snapping a few narcisistic shots of ourselves quite unabashedly in front of all the glaring eyes, charles called .siti screamed and everyone broke into a symphony of "oohs and "ahhs and ""i want to talk to hims and admist all the scrambling to grab the phone and yelling "imiss yu!!, i realised that EVERYONE else were staring at us.. and adibah said ""its like we're behaving as if no one's here, but who cares!"or something of that sort. i mean.for a moment i was ashamed for being such a boisterous shithead,but after she said that, i couldnt care less and reverted back to usual pile of noisy flesh and exagerated arm-flailing actions. its not like we ever cared about how other people saw us in the past anyway.

after he hung up the phone, we stood by the glass pane and stared and squinted past it, scrutinising every single soul that came out from the corner of belt16 to see if it was charles. siti mistook a cleaner for charles(which was spastic,as usual), while the rest of us nearly died of anticipation. we fidgeted as we made subtle utterances in our excitement (what a difference eh?) and when we finally saw him(in his triple layer outfit - all variations of white), the 5 of us erupted into another frenzy.when he finally walked past those glass doors siti and adibah rushed to him and hugged him,while chinfu remarked "eh yur hair very ugly la"". haha. it was funny..and oh. he was with rosna btw(his mom).when it came to me, we did our usual little handshake and smiled, both knowing that the happiness to see each other was mutual..immediately after we burst out into question after question,all thrown at him like a firing squad.although it was a bit over-the-tops, i found what felicity was.

the great bliss and happiness one would experience when with the closest people to him. especially for me since i havent seen them all for such a long time, felicity. it really was high. i mean, just standing there and talking, catching up and crapping around..it really was a moment i would like to keep forever. i could never have felt happier.serious..it was such a stark contrast to the feelings i experience in mj.yes i laugh and enjoy myself around the company of all my new-found friends.but somehow, it aint the same and i felt this elation for the first time in a long time. man, it was such a kodak moment, so yeah, we took a couple more shots.

we headed back to modena(charles' place) after that and dumped his luggage there before leaving to eat somewhere across the street in simei. oh ya, his sister kept harping about how i was so cute, it was kinda freaky and alarming , cuz she did say she was becoming paedophile(like huikoon). haha. am i even that young for her to be a paedophile? well. whatever it was it sure was a nice and ego-boosting compliment although yes, it really did freak me out a little. but heck, she's not gonna rape me or anything.and she knows mr norman chua and some other teacher in mj (her church friends, apparently) and she said she'd ask them to stalk me for her. i bet she was joking, otherwise i'd never step into charles' little 3rd floor condo apartment again.haha

supper was a great way to catch up cuz that was exactly what we did. just sitting around and crapping and eating crabs.sharing all the anecdotes and laughter once again like how we used to in our siglap days. yeah, i've never really realised how much i miss siglap until today,when i was surrounded by all my pals. the memories and insanely wild buffoonery we had in the four amazing years that we were friends came rushing back. i guess we relived those memories in the 1hr odd we spent at supper. and charles, being the lame idiot he is entertained the group as he interjected a couple of not-so-funny jokes and anecdotes here and there.haha. we all still love him despite his extremely cold jokes(some are funny though-i give him credit for that) that never fails to make us go ""eh pai seh sia!!"" to make him feel embarrassed. i guess that's the siglap experience we shared and cherish, and i will definitely keep them for a very long time.

anyway we left the place around 1230 i think and all cabbed home,while reminiscing the freshly created memories.i was smiling all the way home man. i promise i shall try to devote all my time this week to charles and the gang (including ervia,who couldnt make it today, both jiaxin and daniel, who unfortunately were uninformed about charles' return and shahidah,who being the blur sotong she is probably forgot.haha) before charles leaves to return to melbourne again.man i cant wait till dinner tonight when i meet the rest! smiles. i love yu guys man!!

6:52 PM | 0 Comment

Monday, July 04, 2005

..lovevol..

maybe its because im lazy or something of that sort, cuz i feel that i need to blog more consistently and not actually clump a couple days worth of energized fun into one entry, cuz then it'll be really lengthy and might become a boring read...but ah heck.thats me eh.

anyway im not gonna blog alot now, cuz as it is im already terribly late for the council outing at eastcoast but this i cant miss.really.this is huge in fact. well, right now i cant even stop smiling.and im smiling so widely i actually look stupid. no names mentioned, but yeah..this is something to pop the champagne for!!!

well, ok so i know this two people who are yu know, really adorable and sweet and nice and all.and now, im just so happy cuz finally the guy managed to come forward and profess how he feels and i think thats really really sweet.it may not be to yu, but then again, they are both relatively close to me and i cant help but feel extremely happy for them **(i think i may be even happier.haha)** well im just glad that things turned out this way.a new couple in the making.*grins widely* and i wish yu guys all the best alryt? (psst,cuz i know yu'll read this)

but this whole issue about relationships and love, yes, seeing their love grow(and hopefully blossom eventually) has made me feel somewhat, kinda hopeful.cuz after all the experiences i've had, most recently one that has left many painful memories, i sorta gave up on relationships (not forever,just right now) and decided to immerse myself amongst my friends and school. yu know, just busy myself and not give space to think about the ""affairs of the heart". but looking at the two of them with their growing relationship, i realised that all this while i've been living in my own void, denying what is reality and running away from what is fundamentally the essence that makes up my purpose of my existence - my emotions. yes, i realised that i've been avoiding all my emotions and trying to live in denial, which probably is one of the reasons why i have been feeling so empty all this while.

cuz all this while i missed yu and yeah, a part of yu is still in me..all this while i was resisting anything new in my life, cuz i couldnt get over yu, but at the same time, i knew that it was over between us.

all this while i have been living in a world where i thought, perhaps, if i ran away it wouldnt be as painful as it is.but apparently not, everywhere i go memories resurface and the past just comes rushing back so fast yu feel a sudden spectrum of emotions - negative. the misery and all the ifs. but all these negative things come back with all the most beautiful memories that we've created.

but somehow i realise that we cant revert the things that've happened, the mistakes we made, and most of all relive the times we shared. so i bid my farewell to this beautiful and wonderful set of memories that we've created and closed, as i take away this dejected feeling and lost affection and put back that smile i had 10minutes ago.

yes, back to where i was. i wish yu guys,both of yu wonderful amazing friends, all the best as yu create yur own set of beautiful memories which im pretty sure will last a long time (as i told yu ______, i have a good feeling about this.haha). and to my own, i say a perenial goodbye, much as i dont want to. life has to move on after all. :))

12:41 AM | 0 Comment

Friday, July 01, 2005

exam blues

todays a thursday and this spells an upcoming weekend of more zest than my usual standards since my entry into mj.apart from the post-exam indulgence that everyone deserves,i must take a break to let loose the old me that detests mugging.

well exams are out, and everyone feels this immense liberation from all the stress and anxiety of mugging.but somehow, i cant help but have this extremely negative feeling about the whole "after exams" elation. i mean, no doubt im glad i no longer have to sit through a gruelling 21/2 hours trying to figure out ridiculously tough questions, but there's this sick feeling at the pit of my stomach that resurges everytime i think about the kind of grades that'd come out.

the exams were bad.bad beyond imagination.maybe i didnt study hard enough,but still, it was a horrifying experience sitting at yur desk and realising yu're just about as smart as the fighting fish that flares up everytime it sees its reflection.serious. so here i am,going to bitch about the freaking exams,but definitely not gonna feel any better about it thereafter. so here goes...

i think i had been quite a pain in chinese lessons, being so amazingly slow in the language.and i dont see why not. i couldnt understand the chinese paper! damnit its like a whole new language come to think about it. i didnt know what the shit the compre was harping about.it doesnt help that i randomly threw in numbers for the close passage either. i left the vocab section blank, and i sure hope i didnt interpret the compo question wrongly (after all, it was the only question i could very vaguely understand,so i wasnt left with any other options). oh and just to add, when i took the orals smwhere before the semester break, ms chen started to snigger when i read the passage,which, when translated to words would be, "why does he speak like a pre-school kid?boy,i bet my nephew can speak better chinese than that." perhaps the next time i should just tear her scalp when she mispronounces fabian again.

i crammed like shit for bio too.all the kreb's cycle and allosteric inhibiton only to attempt a paper that was beyond my intellectual capability.ok, so i wasnt exactly well prepped and i sure didnt memorize cover to cover for bio, but its my best subject!!!ohmygod.i felt crushed.but then again,what can i do?im not fantastically smart like the RJ elitists,and neither have i the mental stamina to study long hours,but at least let me feel the satisfaction of walking out of the exam hall thinking i could pass.now i worry how bad the F would be.

chem and math was just depressing,if not unimaginably oppressive. if i could get anything worse than an F for both,i WOULD.like a -Z grade and a meeting with esther lai. chem was pure faeces, with the nasty bits of undigested chow all around.haha. my only consolation's that it was shit for everyone else too (or so i think). and math, oh boy math, like what is math?someone enlighten me.haha. i swear i didnt know what the hell the questions were asking (well, at least i could figure what topic each question belonged to). i did, like part(i) of 3Dtrigo and drew the graphs for 11(b).apart from that, my script was blank.blank,perhaps flawless in fact.haha.then i went to sleep slightly before an hour was up and continued for about another hour plus..man i felt guilty,but then again.whats the point?i struggled with amath throughout my siglap days.report cards littered with F9s after F9s.only managing to clinch an E8 for prelims(and i was thrilled then.haha). how i got a B3 for Os is still a mystery and purely sheer luck(which obviously didnt last looking at my grades now).

my only faith and assurance in this semestral exams is lit. although there is this huge HUGE possibility that i probably went outta point for unseen and gothic.after all, it IS my first lit exam cuz stupid siglap does not offer lit(or triple science for that matter). and not to mention the very frantically written shakespeare essay on Lear. i did both essays very haphazardly in an hour-only to find out 10mins before the paper ended that i only had to do one!! ONE!!i felt dumb,for once-completely hopeless(cuz i cant even do lit after that insane math torture).haha. but argh heck, the papers are over now.

so yes,reality struck a really solid blow to me cuz of the exams.and i learnt something new-get used to it, yu're in mj for god's sake!! (FYI:: Jc with the highest retainee rate). and yes,also to study harder and cultivate more pimples on my once flawless countenance.hello sleepless nights.goodbye life.

2:04 PM | 1 Comment

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